Lawn Sports Day
Ready to prove yourself worthy of the green jacket?!
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July 24 | Welcoming and Champions Dinner
As with The Masters who copied our tradition FYI, our reigning champion is honored by selecting his/her choice of the night's menu. Unless it's dumb. The reigning junior champion has the right to choose dessert (c'mon, they don't pay for anything anyhow).
there are three things i'm good at in life. the first is lawn sports. the other is math.
"Not all men are created equally. Some are created as women. Others are created as children. Others as mytochondria or inanimate objects. Wisdom is realizing that you should ignore that and focus on anything much more serious." - Socrates
A TRADITION UNLIKE ANY OTHER TRADITION THAT'S DIFFERENT THAN THIS ONE
How It All Began:
"Where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet.
My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Some times he would accuse Chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament.
My childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really. At the age of 12, I received my first scribe.
At the age of 14, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.
Testimonials
Jerry
"I remember last time I competed in Lawn Sports Day and that host Tiff was gorgeous!
Who could possibly land a lady like that?!? Probably a real stud."
Testimonials
John Wise, NY, NY:
"I complain so that no one notices my lack of arm strength or shirt sleeves."
Testimonials
katy
"I remember last time I competed in Lawn Sports Day and that glorious mastermind Chappy was glistening with both confidence and sweat..."
Testimonials
Panos Boulukos (age 14, future finance bro, Long Island):
“Chappy, I’ve never been to Ohio before but we’ve flown over it a bunch of times on the way to different vacations.”
Testimonials
Chappy (age 48, OH, OH):
“Panos, you’re a turd gobbler.”
Testimonials
Jimmy Pieri (age 48, multiple homes so no one can really pinpoint where he’s from):
“Chappy, music is so much more important than people also actually competing in the weekend’s events.”
Testimonials
Sean Plunkett (age 39, Ann Arbor):
“Bobby (age 13), I’ll give you $20 if you throw this game so I can win it.” [Official Lawn Enforcement Agents were immediately brought to the scene and the illicit behavior disqualified Sean from the event. Bobby did however keep the $20.]
Testimonials
Lynn Tretola (age 29, Montclair, NJ):
“Dude, candy cane.”
Testimonials
Johnny Wise (age 48, Brooklyn, NY):
“[doesn’t matter; I just say lots of words to distract from not having a point…]”
Testimonials
Becca Cardona (age 29, NY, NY):
“Chappy, is this Russia? This isn’t Russia. Is this Russia?”
Testimonials
Dr. Alli Angelilli (age 29, flying over Ohio with that asshat of a son, Panos):
“[25 years ago] Chappy, turn the fucking music down. It’s 4am…wait, what’s that you say?…oh, you have a Sony 5-disc CD player you bought from Sears at Triphammer Mall and you think you ‘need to let it breathe’? What’s wrong with you? Huh? Yes, I love you too. (Hangs up the phone.) Evan, I hate him.”
Testimonials
Lynn Tretola (age 29, Montclair, NJ):
“Dude, candy cane.”
Testimonials
Brian Chapman (age 81, Ottawa Hills, OH):
“Lynn, wait, what’s ‘main character syndrome’? Is it bad?”
Testimonials
Kristen Arena (age 29, Bean City, MA):
“Jeff. Kids. Listen to me very carefully. We need a plan. I’m concerned about every single one of the Chapmans. Tiffany is great but she did choose Chappy which says something. This morning, I found Vernon eating cereal left-handed out of a human skull and, when he saw me, he just purr-growled and gave me this weird head-up-bob.
He sounded like Sigourney Weaver in Ghostbusters when she was the Gatekeeper…err, Keymaster…I don’t know which…What?!?…does it really matter, Jeff?!? You know what I mean.”
Testimonials
Dana Kruse (age 29, Omaha, NE)
“I will feed your grandchildren to monarch butterflies in ridiculously tiny pieces. No, of course, I’m just teasing. You look great. So good to see you! And how are the kids?”
Testimonials
Z (age 29, Brooklyn, NY):
“Johnny, I know how this is going to go so I’m just gonna just kinda disconnect myself from your posturing and go around and take glorious pictures despite the gross lack of material available. Huh? Sure, honey. I’m sure there are so many things to criticize. Go have fun with your friends. I’m sure it will all land perfectly.”
Testimonials
Marjorie Gellert (age 29, Mont-where?):
“Chappy, my eyes are up here, dude.”
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Dan Gellert (age 69, Mont-where?):
“Chappy, my eyes are up here, dude.”
Testimonials
Yostie (age unknown, whereabouts unknown):
“You are.”
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Danae Pieri (age 29, Axtell, TX):
“Why am I always smiling, you ask? Simple. To mask my near-psychological-breaking point. That guy wearing 3 layers of clothing IN JULY is my husband.”
Testimonials
Dan Gellert (age 69, Mont-where?):
“Chappy, can I get thatlist of all historical two-time champions? Wait. Oh. Really? Reeeeeally?”
Testimonials
Tiffany Chapman (age 29, WhereverChappyIs):
“Squirrel!!!”
Testimonials
Lynn Tretola (age 29, Montclair, NJ):
“Dude, candy cane.”
Testimonials
Jeff Arena (age 48, Beanville, MA):
“WTF?!? Why does everyone think I can fix ChapGPT so easily?!? Do you see what I’m working with?”
Testimonials
Danny McNamara (age 53, globe):
“MURPH-MURPH, MURPH-MURPH-MURPH!”
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Anonymous (only the initials U.R.):
“You are.”
Testimonials
Elizabeth Fulmer (age 29, Edina, man):
“Brian Fulmer, I refuse to believe you won the championship outright. Why don’t you take me to the powder room and show me your form.”
Testimonials
Philly T (age 48, Montclair, NJ):
“Chappy… what the f… whoa, that was weird… I don’t know, Lynn. He just started running away. All I was doing was trying to pass him the mustard. I think he’s fucking strange too!”
Testimonials
August Cardona (age 48, Cardona’s HQ, Albany, NY):
“Chappy… what the f… whoa, that was weird… I don’t know, Lynn. He just started running away. All I was doing was trying to pass him the mustard. I think he’s fucking strange too!”
Testimonials
Joe Leonardo (age 29, Elmira, FL):
“Chappy, I’m doing a line of coke off a stripper’s tits in the back of a limo and I look up at my brother Lenny and says ‘hey, Lenny, where’s all our money go?” (RIP, Lenny)
Testimonials
Lynn Tretola (age 29, Montclair, NJ):
“Dude, candy cane.”
Testimonials
Brian Fulmer (age lettuce, Edina, MN):
“I appreciate you allowing me to keep the GJ for the remainder of my year even after I played ice hockey in it. And, no, if I ever win it back, I promise to never do it again. Yes, I understand that it’s basketball season and hockey is not actually a sport.”
Testimonials
Derek Kruse (age 48, OhMyHog, NE):
“We’ve only been together since we were 17/18 years old so I’m still getting to know her but I think Dana have a fighter’s chance to make it at this point”
Testimonials
Lynn Tretola (age 29, Montclair, NJ):
“Dude, candy cane.”
