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CHAMPIONS
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our champions over the years...
2025
Dan Gellert, the 2nd ever two-time champion, brought the year-long Cinderella Story to a close after having the championship slip through his (or someone else’s…literally) fingers the year before. DG was widely considered cast from the perfect mold of an LSD Olympian despite his ankles seemingly being 2-dimensional. His championship is not questioned although some consider his Green Jacket photo activity has been rather snobbish (first-class international flights, overlooking sunsets on his lavish vacations, perched atop a literal throne, etc.) and could have caused a rift with the people. As Aesop once wrote, “with green jackets comes green responsibility”.
2024
After years of stagnation, LSD returned WITH KIDS in 2024. The emotional whirlwind of one man (see 2025) was the glory of another as the championship was won on the final event. The pressure was overwhelming and the stakes were as high as they could be. And, in the end, Brian “The Bippererer” Fulmer, THE PEOPLE’S CHAMPION, prevailed! It was an ESPN Instant Classic. The unassuming Minnesotan with lettuce of gold and a smile that makes you feel like you’re being spooned by a fluffy angel cloud puppy pulled out (that’s what she said) the win. The town rejoiced for he was adored by all and left an imprint on this tradition that will be hard to replicate. Praise be to the People’s Champion.
2013
IYKYK. Bags and bags and bags of dicks. And thus began the great drought. They were generally quieter years as foliage and cold winds sometimes the only companions of lawns. But the roots grew stronger because of the challenge.
2012
Sabbatical year due to the birth of Vernon George Chapman who eventually became the 2024 Junior Champion.
2011
Sippy. Todd Armstrong. It is said that this legend grew up a skinny kid from the Midwest in his earlier years. In fact, he is still. But his presence seemed massive that particular day. All of those that were present that year claim that he didn’t miss a single point. And that he brought something called Bluetooth which apparently did things no one could quite explain. When he first donned the Green Jacket, the famous image was that the late sun cast a shadow as tall as a nearby oak tree.
2010
The late great Brad Ansberg. Miss you, man. Words can’t do you justice so I will simply have a nod in your direction.
2009
Dan Gellert, the first non-Ohioan to win the Green Jacket. The performance was nearly flawless. And it was glorious. But a certain fnder wrongly believed it would always stay home since these gentiles from NYC knew not the outdoors other than sprints to a subway. Drinks were poured on one another’s heads at Automatic Slims instead of consumed. Impossible, amirite? But DG excelled and earned the podium. Some drama followed as some ninja who has never been identified shot a bottle rocket past his crowned head. And then he pranced. He pranced around NYC in the Green Jacket that didn’t belong with him. And it irked certain people.
2008
Guess who’s back. Back again. (If that wasn’t clear, it’s Chappy.) This year Vegas heavily favored his mystical oneness with each event and he overwhelmed the field. It was beautiful to be sure but it was really the secondary story that made 2008 so memorable. In only 4-5 days (1 week tops), the story traveled the world as the global population texted by pushing a Nokia’s #-keys anywhere from 1-3 times to designate different letters. You may remember that 7 & 9 had 4 characters each which could really screw up your rhythm for letters S or Z though I’m not sure that’s incredibly relevant to this story. But isn’t it nostalgic? For those who were there in-person, they still shake their heads when asked about it. It said that no vessel may contain more than itself (“Facts, The Book of Them”, co-authored by Einstein, Lenny Da Vinci, Aristotle and Newton). For the first time in centuries, this truth was questioned as Chappy’s sweat broke all known rules of physics and biology. Studies continued to baffle physicians and sports psychologists for years. It has since become more of a philosophical debate as science has no answers.
2007
The headlines read, “Brian Chapman goes Number 2!”. As the second year’s winner, Chappy will forever be synonymous with #2. And Las Vegas had barely given him a chance. It was like “Over the Top” with a backwards trucker hat but no biceps. While some have contested that he made up the scoring system in real-time that day, nobody ever managed to retrieve the sole scoresheet from his cargo shorts and so no formal charges were ever made.
2006
The beginning. The first. Peg-legged Eric “Cap’n Ahab” Shanteau, born with a croquet mallet for one of his legs, runs away with it…err, I guess, like hobbles away with it. Ya know, cause of the croquet mallet for a leg. If you aren’t familiar with croquet mallets, they don’t incorporate bendable knee or ankle joints or any of the connective tissues. Any photos probably only exist on an undeveloped disposable Kodak camera buried in the back of a sock drawer. There have been rumors of a rookie playing card but historians have all agreed that any known microfiche references mention no such thing.
our junior champions
2025: JORDAN
2024: VERNON
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